I'm tired.

I'm tired of 2009.

I'm so not a huge fan of this year. Far too damn many people have passed away, and lately it's getting closer and closer to home. Ironically, I'm tired of life. My life. I totally want to continue living, and, don't get me wrong: I love ME. I love who I am, I love where I am, and, on the most basic, human level, I love what I am.

I'm just ass-out tired of my day-to-day routine; I'm so unenamoured of sitting in a familiar chair in a rented space in a different city, mentally reliving all the times I've taken a step forward and the inevitable 2 steps back that follow, thinking about all the times I've found myself doing the same thing and feeling the same sense of "well, what do I do now?"

What's the definition of 'insanity'?

I'm so fucking tired of standing in my own way, of being so equally damn afraid of failure and success that I sit purposelessly by as my talents fight over which one of them I'm most allowing to wither on a no fruit-producing vine...

So many people have gone this year, some of them even from my life; I found out this year that a long-lost friend had passed away a couple years ago -- that I never got to say goodbye ripped a chunk from my soul that will never grow back. And an acquaintance whom I hadn't yet even really begun to get to know just passed within the past few days -- and with his passing my soul continues to bleed into, onto, and all over the decaying concepts of talent that I'm unwillingly, inactively allowing to fester and die while I sit perplexed and bewildered by my own inability to get over my own bullshit and just go out and make shit happen.

I keep looking for that proverbial corner that 2010 is supposed to be around; next year has to be a better one than this one.

The only way to make sure of this, ironically, is for me to make it happen. Fuck all my imaginary, internal inadequacies, fuck my insecurities, fuck my illogically ill-fated instincts, fuck "I don't think I wanna..." and "I don't think I can..."

Fuck 'em.

It can be done. It will be done. I need to live my life, not just sit idly by as it passes me by.

And, dammit, I'm gonna do it.



2010 is going to be so much more than I'd normally simply allow it to be. 2010 is going to be all the things that I want/need it be, and dammit: it's gonna be sweet.

Fuckin' A, it's gonna be sweet.

I. Want. This. Boot. {And, of course, its mate as well...}



From the company which manufactures them, Vegetarian Shoes, comes the following: In our quest to make the ultimate cruelty-free shoes we have produced this range which incorporates our own brand of Airseal cushioned soles.
These extra thick, deep tread, translucent soles provide excellent shock absorption and insulation. They are stitched and heat welded onto a Goodyear welt for strength and durability and take little 'breaking in'. As well as breathable and water resistant uppers the very finest non-leather components have been selected to construct this footwear.
Made in England.

...FUCK!, that's hot! I want 'em!

Moodswung Manic Mania

Seems like the past few weeks have been more than a bit of Moodswung Manic Mania for me. I've been all over the place with the emotions, and not wanting to do anything to straighten 'em out. Actually, I silently admitted to no one other than myself that I'd been using the unpredictable emotions as a reason to not make any entries here, where I'd intended to post something each day; I'm damn good at a pep talk for any friend who might need one, but seems I can always find a way to talk myself into not doing something, even if it's something that I want to to do, something that will, in one way or another, help put me on the track to getting the things I want/need/crave from my existence and the world...
But, thanks to the success of a friend, coupled with the past successes of yet another friend, I'm now inspired to get some of my own. Success: look out dammit, 'cause I'm comin' for yo' ass. I'ma get mine, store it up, and go back for seconds, maybe even thirds.
I write. I sing. I act. I'm an artist. Why am I not getting something from at least one of these talents, other than the enjoyment of being able to do them? So many other people are walking around aimlessly, living mundane lives, but "getting theirs" because they found ways to slip through certain doors that didn't require any real, discernible talents whatsoever; why is it that I'm keeping myself from getting up on it when I've four arenas in which I could and should be playing? It's insane, and I'm the keeper of my own insanity. People often say that Insanity is "doing the exact same thing(s) over and over and expecting different results", and while that is certainly true, there's another entry in that definition: doing absolutely nothing, aside from talking about doing it, yet expecting something to happen. THAT'S a more apropos insanity for my situation.
So, I need to, figuratively, get up of my ass and, literally, sit it down and get to cranking out the "what I can do" of what I can do. And what I can do is PLENTY.

I've finally come to the conclusion that I am my own biggest obstacle. In fact, I came to this conclusion a long, long time ago ~ yet I've yet to do anything about it. BUT... I'd told myself a few months ago that come November, I'm going to move myself aside and get things rolling as far as getting something to happen w/ my writing; there's no point in continuing to sit on talent when there are people running around acting like damn fools with hardly any talent or skills showing, but they're being paid to do the silly shit that they do. So, since I've clearly got the time, and since I know I've got the talent, I intend to use it, figure out ways to get paid for what I can create and do.
This blog is the first step in what I intend to be many "steps forward", and I plan to take at least one of those steps each day - hence the name I've given it: 9teen7t1 = 1971, the year I was born, and, 1step4ward is what I intend to do with this blog - make at least one entry each day, each entry being 'one step forward'. Hence: 9teen7t-1-step4ward {|1971-one step forward|}..
Nothing shall be off limits: my life is an open book, and therefore, an open blog. If I know you and/or you know me, you might even find yourself here; if I'm just writing from within, and I'm really on my game, you still might find yourself here, even if you're only mixed into the metaphors.
I look forward to the challenge that this will present me, the challenge rising mostly from the fact that even when I have things I know I should get written and chronicled, I don't always feel like expending the effort to get it done. Committing to this blog on the daily is my way of breaking my own bitter candy coating and exposing the not-always-good goodness that is heaped within.
I can't promise that all of it will be worth reading, or even that all of it will be easy to process once its been read. I only promise to produce, present, and put out.
In the end it's really not at all about where we are, where we're headed, and where we've been as much as it is about how and why we went and are headed there. And I fully intend to begin enjoying this journey more.
Hugs, Namaste, & Bless'd Be. | R.